I am proud to be a daddy -- and I am a proud of my kids. So, when there's an opportunity to reveal that I have kids, I usually take it:
- "You have kids?! I thought you were like 20!"
- I pretend to understand that they think I look young - but I'm man enough to admit they they're really judging my maturity. No biggie.
- "How old are they?"
-- In a meeting it's like this --
- Them: So Nate, what's your analysis of the situation?
- Me: (chuckle)
- Them: What's so funny?
- Me: You said Urinalysis. LOLz. I shouldn't laugh - it's a bad example to my kids.
- Them: Ha! You have kids?! How many
- Me: I sure do - 4 actually.
- Them: How old are you?
This brings me to the purpose of the post -- as most of you know, today is Linnea's B'day. She would have been 10 - years - old. Whether because my brain preserves itself through selective memory, or am I just "getting old," it now seems a lifetime away when we last held her in our arms. A life without a script to lean on, but has largely defined who I am today... for better or for worse.

To a parent asking how to deal with the loss of her child - asking if the pain will go away -- here was my response:
The pain becomes less intense, but it doesn't go away. I would say that it is different now -- before Linnea passed my life was not defined by the tremendous struggle of my child dying. Now my life is defined by that pain - what I do with that pain is a different story.
For instance, I WILL ALWAYS say I have 4 kids. This inevitably leads to questions like "how old are they" - to which I answer and mention that Linnea passed away at 13mos in 2004. I struggled with this for a while b/c it felt like I was forcing sympathy on myself - but the reality is, I was worried about social comfort - I should not be ashamed that a child of mine has died - it is a fact... as much as the number of living children I have is.
For me - this is a way to "cope," but also is a constant reminder of how proud I am of the life Linnea had - and I continue to talk about what she was like. She is still a part of our family. :)
Happy Birthday, Linnea!!
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-Adriana